THE FAINT POSITIVE INSANITY

They say that the best thing to keep sanity is by writing, so here I am, starting to pour all my emotions.

My husband and I have been married for 2 ½ years already. Right after our wedding, we started having unprotected sex since it is okay with us to get pregnant. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 22 years old and having known that, I told my husband that we might have a hard time conceiving even before we got married. I already told him because I wanted to be honest to him from the start, so when the time comes and we really cannot have babies, I know I did my part. I am just so lucky because he loves me so much that he does not care about having kids though deep inside, I know it’s much happier if we can have our own kids.

Last May 2013, we finally decided to meet a Fertility Doctor to check what’s wrong.

She just asked me to drink clomid and then have my follicle monitored so we can have timed intercourse. I took 50mg clomid CD 3-7, I ovulated on CD 24 which is kinda late already. Our first attempt failed and got a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

My RE requested for my Husband’s semen analysis and I am so happy that I did not have a hard time asking him to do it. I was the one who took the result from the hospital. I almost fainted when I saw the interpretation. He has Teratozoospermia. His sperm count and motility are both excellent but he only has 1% normal morphology. Most of his sperms are oddly shaped which makes it hard to fertilize an egg.

It feels like my world turned upside down. Now that I am finally able to ovulate, the next hindrance is my husband’s low morphology.

We still decided to have another round of Clomid now at 100mg. I was also supposed to have an IUI but on CD 17, a day before our IUI schedule, my impatient egg traveled- I ovulated!!! Our Dr. asked us to baby dance as much as we can. We also didn’t baby dance prior O because we need a 2 day abstinence for the IUI.

Now I am on 14 days past ovulation. I tested last night and go BFN but when I checked this morning, there’s a faint positive. I tested again in the afternoon, got BFN L

What the F*ck just happened??!! I don’t know anymore. Am I pregnant or not? Will my period show up? If yes, where the hell Aunt Flo is?

I am surely losing my sanity already. If this month fails, I might have a TTC hiatus. I need to prepare myself emotionally so when I decide to continue TTC, I would be much stronger to carry on.

I leave it up to Him. Whatever God has planned for us, we will embrace it wholeheartedly. God gave me the best blessing of all- my Husband. As long as we are together, I know we can be strong.