THE CHILD-FREE COUPLE

TIME magazine recently published a cover about the Child Free Living, where having it all means not having children. It truly created a lot of buzz internationally since childlessness is viewed as Taboo.

Having read most of the comments by other netizens, it saddened me to know that people viewed child-free couples as SELFISH. We, the child-free are said to be very involved with ourselves and ourselves alone. They say that we do not want to procreate just so we can travel the world, buy expensive things, and do practically what we want to do. Yes, all those perks that comes with being child-free are all true. We get to enjoy more and enrich ourselves as well as our relationship with our partners.

It hurts me the most when being child-free seemed to be generic to some. They never even considered that there's also the medical condition factor that comes with being child-free. Infertility, just like childlessness, is a topic that is not normally flaunted. Those who have children will never understand what people like us have to go though just to be parents. And though we try so hard, the society still view us as taboo. Why? Because we are a combination of a child-free and infertile couple.

SELFISH? Can I consider myself selfish just because I cannot conceive? Are we selfish because we enjoy our relationship with our husbands more than our female counterparts? Is it selfish to be able to travel with no extra luggage filled with baby stuffs? I say, NO! We are not selfish because we've been put against the wall. People who judge us are the one being selfish because they choose not to see the myriad reasons why we are child-free.

And then, they also call us DINKs ( Double Income No Kids) and questions how we spend our extra money. Oh yes, of course we can afford to buy nice clothes, new bags and even travel the world. It is our hard earned money and there's no way they are allowed to question why we do not spend it on kids education etc. As far as I know, there's no law about DINKS and Child-Free couple.

Lastly, as I look at myself now, I am starting to appreciate the fact that we are still child-free. Why? Because me and Husband are able to enjoy life to the fullest. Being with him is the ultimate happiness I've ever known. No matter how hard my Mother friends convince me how fulfilling it is to become a Mom, I will never know because I've never felt that. And when I tell them how happy my life is, they never seem to understand because they do not know how Child free DINKs are.

HOW INSENSITIVE PEOPLE ARE

Having a chemical pregnancy is like a big joke to us girls who've been trying for a while. 

The roller-coaster emotion of being extremely happy just to wake up in dooming misery.

To cope up, I went back to work and tried my hardest not to show any sign of grief.

However, news spreads fast and most of my office mates knew what happened. 

The horror of having to share my grieve became inevitable. Some showed genuine affection and some just 

tried to interject jokes that doesn't seem to help a lot.

People do not understand infertility and how that BFP meant the world to me. I thought I had conquered the adds, but it turns out that the odds had conquered me.

I just wanna share what the things people had told me;

1. Maybe it's not meant to be.

2. Oh, it's your fault, you should have stopped working.

3. The only way you can get pregnant is by staying at home.

4. Are you pregnant??

5. Oh, maybe it's just a false alarm. You know, people who've been trying to get pregnant always feels like they are, but they aren't really.

The 5th one was so damn painful. How can you call an embryo who's been growing for 3 weeks a false alarm? :-(

It's just so sad how insensitive people are. 

Here in the Philppines, it's a taboo when a couple cannot produce an offspring. Most of elderly will even ask my husband, maybe you do not know how to do it? Who's infertile? and so on and so forth.

Battling with infertility with both male and female factor is so hard especially when you are in a family where are couples are producing anytime they feel like it.

Thank God I have a very positive husband who always pulls me back up when I feel so down.

THE 16-DAY MUM: CHEMICAL PREGNANCY

I would have given the world, but you got heaven instead.

How I wish I was given the chance to hold you in tummy, to feel you move and kick.
How I wish I can feel the labor pain and hear you cry.
How I wish I can hear your voice calling me, MOM!
How I wish I did not lose you too soon.
But God has bigger plans for the two of us.
You belong to heaven;
To the hands of our loving Father.
To a much better place.

Many people will not understand the pain of losing something you wanted so bad. Most of them will say that there's no life yet, no heartbeat, no form, just blood.

They might be confused why its so painful considering that it's only been a few days since I found out that I am pregnant. Yes, it might just be a momentary bliss but at that short of a time, I started dreaming. I starting feeling relieved knowing that I can have you.

People might have a hard time understanding the pain I am feeling. I waited for this moment for a very long time and knowing that I lost you even without seeing or feeling you is too much for me to handle.
The fact still remains- I know that a life almost started to grow inside me. You did grow for a few weeks, enough to make yourself seen on the tests. I may not have seen you with the ultrasound, but you make yourself felt. I knew on the first few days that I am having you, I was just too afraid to admit it because I wanted to see you clinically.

God is still good to me. He did not let me see your bean-like image nor hear your heart beat. I have read that beginning the second week, your heart and spinal cord are starting to develop. You are already an embryo and not just a mere zygote. No wonder why I instantly have the maternal instinct. And when I saw you got expelled out of my body naturally, no words can ever describe the twinge of pain I feel. The loss and grieve I had endured.

I am writing this so I can now move on.
I wanted to bring back the genuine smile on my face.
I need to be okay so we can try once again.

I am pouring out all the thoughts I have for you. I will surely move on but the scar that you left in my heart will never be gone. I almost had you, that's what matters to me.

Thank you for bringing us evanescent joy. It is enough to feed our hearts. The happiness I felt when I showed the test to your Pops is ethereal. I will forever remember the giggles we shared, even for just a few days. You kept us wondering, are we having Sean Mason or Sienna Cassidy? We'll never know.

We lost you because everything happens for a reason. Whatever God's plan is, I will leave everything up to Him. And as what they say, we will try again. I will surely not give up; whatever steps I need to do, no matter how long and hard.

THE FAINT POSITIVE INSANITY

They say that the best thing to keep sanity is by writing, so here I am, starting to pour all my emotions.

My husband and I have been married for 2 ½ years already. Right after our wedding, we started having unprotected sex since it is okay with us to get pregnant. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 22 years old and having known that, I told my husband that we might have a hard time conceiving even before we got married. I already told him because I wanted to be honest to him from the start, so when the time comes and we really cannot have babies, I know I did my part. I am just so lucky because he loves me so much that he does not care about having kids though deep inside, I know it’s much happier if we can have our own kids.

Last May 2013, we finally decided to meet a Fertility Doctor to check what’s wrong.

She just asked me to drink clomid and then have my follicle monitored so we can have timed intercourse. I took 50mg clomid CD 3-7, I ovulated on CD 24 which is kinda late already. Our first attempt failed and got a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

My RE requested for my Husband’s semen analysis and I am so happy that I did not have a hard time asking him to do it. I was the one who took the result from the hospital. I almost fainted when I saw the interpretation. He has Teratozoospermia. His sperm count and motility are both excellent but he only has 1% normal morphology. Most of his sperms are oddly shaped which makes it hard to fertilize an egg.

It feels like my world turned upside down. Now that I am finally able to ovulate, the next hindrance is my husband’s low morphology.

We still decided to have another round of Clomid now at 100mg. I was also supposed to have an IUI but on CD 17, a day before our IUI schedule, my impatient egg traveled- I ovulated!!! Our Dr. asked us to baby dance as much as we can. We also didn’t baby dance prior O because we need a 2 day abstinence for the IUI.

Now I am on 14 days past ovulation. I tested last night and go BFN but when I checked this morning, there’s a faint positive. I tested again in the afternoon, got BFN L

What the F*ck just happened??!! I don’t know anymore. Am I pregnant or not? Will my period show up? If yes, where the hell Aunt Flo is?

I am surely losing my sanity already. If this month fails, I might have a TTC hiatus. I need to prepare myself emotionally so when I decide to continue TTC, I would be much stronger to carry on.

I leave it up to Him. Whatever God has planned for us, we will embrace it wholeheartedly. God gave me the best blessing of all- my Husband. As long as we are together, I know we can be strong.

TTC PAINS

Have faith.

Do not lose hope.

Keep holding on.

Your time will come.

In God’s perfect time.

Those are the words I keep on telling myself whenever I feel like I’ve hit the abyss, landed at the rock bottom and lose all the glimmer of hope whenever I get the BFN.

I am 28 years old, diagnosed with PCOS and on clomid for two months already.

The first cycle, I have grown two follicles and ovulated on CD24 after a trigger shot was administered. The first two-week-wait was like a rollercoaster ride for me. I have all the pregnancy symptoms imaginable, tested and had a faint BFP but it turns out to be just an evaporation line L I was so hurt but I gotta put myself back together and try again.

The second month, I had ovulated on time, CD16. This month could have been our first IUI session. We have a little sperm problem as well that’s why we wanted to give it a try. However, I ovulated a day earlier, without any trigger shot whatsoever. We did try to BD within 12-24 hours after ovulation. I always do feel a sharp pain on the side of the ovulating ovary for few hours that’s why I know I had ovulated in the morning and my TVS in the afternoon proved it. I am currently on my 2WW, 11 DPO but I feel no sign of pregnancy. All the symptoms are AF like and I know, it’s not my lucky month. How I wish I can get a BFP as a birthday gift.

A friend of mine, who used to be on the same boat, had announced her BFP yesterday. I am so happy for her to finally have her prayers answered. In my hearts of hearts, I am genuinely happy that she no longer has to take all the medications, suffer the emotional stress and all. I am happy for her but I am also mourning for myself. It seems like all people around me are getting pregnant but me.

God has been very generous to me already and I would understand if my time won’t come. He knows what my heart desires. My husband is right, God will never let us carry a cross too heavy for us to endure. He is so good that He made me strong to carry on. God made me tough. He still gives me a reason to be happy. He gave me my husband who’s so loving and caring.

I cannot imagine a happy life without my husband because he is the only happiness I’ve ever known. And if God will not bestow us the gift of being parents, I know that He will always make a way to let us find our happiness together.