THE 16-DAY MUM: CHEMICAL PREGNANCY

I would have given the world, but you got heaven instead.

How I wish I was given the chance to hold you in tummy, to feel you move and kick.
How I wish I can feel the labor pain and hear you cry.
How I wish I can hear your voice calling me, MOM!
How I wish I did not lose you too soon.
But God has bigger plans for the two of us.
You belong to heaven;
To the hands of our loving Father.
To a much better place.

Many people will not understand the pain of losing something you wanted so bad. Most of them will say that there's no life yet, no heartbeat, no form, just blood.

They might be confused why its so painful considering that it's only been a few days since I found out that I am pregnant. Yes, it might just be a momentary bliss but at that short of a time, I started dreaming. I starting feeling relieved knowing that I can have you.

People might have a hard time understanding the pain I am feeling. I waited for this moment for a very long time and knowing that I lost you even without seeing or feeling you is too much for me to handle.
The fact still remains- I know that a life almost started to grow inside me. You did grow for a few weeks, enough to make yourself seen on the tests. I may not have seen you with the ultrasound, but you make yourself felt. I knew on the first few days that I am having you, I was just too afraid to admit it because I wanted to see you clinically.

God is still good to me. He did not let me see your bean-like image nor hear your heart beat. I have read that beginning the second week, your heart and spinal cord are starting to develop. You are already an embryo and not just a mere zygote. No wonder why I instantly have the maternal instinct. And when I saw you got expelled out of my body naturally, no words can ever describe the twinge of pain I feel. The loss and grieve I had endured.

I am writing this so I can now move on.
I wanted to bring back the genuine smile on my face.
I need to be okay so we can try once again.

I am pouring out all the thoughts I have for you. I will surely move on but the scar that you left in my heart will never be gone. I almost had you, that's what matters to me.

Thank you for bringing us evanescent joy. It is enough to feed our hearts. The happiness I felt when I showed the test to your Pops is ethereal. I will forever remember the giggles we shared, even for just a few days. You kept us wondering, are we having Sean Mason or Sienna Cassidy? We'll never know.

We lost you because everything happens for a reason. Whatever God's plan is, I will leave everything up to Him. And as what they say, we will try again. I will surely not give up; whatever steps I need to do, no matter how long and hard.