TTC PAINS

Have faith.

Do not lose hope.

Keep holding on.

Your time will come.

In God’s perfect time.

Those are the words I keep on telling myself whenever I feel like I’ve hit the abyss, landed at the rock bottom and lose all the glimmer of hope whenever I get the BFN.

I am 28 years old, diagnosed with PCOS and on clomid for two months already.

The first cycle, I have grown two follicles and ovulated on CD24 after a trigger shot was administered. The first two-week-wait was like a rollercoaster ride for me. I have all the pregnancy symptoms imaginable, tested and had a faint BFP but it turns out to be just an evaporation line L I was so hurt but I gotta put myself back together and try again.

The second month, I had ovulated on time, CD16. This month could have been our first IUI session. We have a little sperm problem as well that’s why we wanted to give it a try. However, I ovulated a day earlier, without any trigger shot whatsoever. We did try to BD within 12-24 hours after ovulation. I always do feel a sharp pain on the side of the ovulating ovary for few hours that’s why I know I had ovulated in the morning and my TVS in the afternoon proved it. I am currently on my 2WW, 11 DPO but I feel no sign of pregnancy. All the symptoms are AF like and I know, it’s not my lucky month. How I wish I can get a BFP as a birthday gift.

A friend of mine, who used to be on the same boat, had announced her BFP yesterday. I am so happy for her to finally have her prayers answered. In my hearts of hearts, I am genuinely happy that she no longer has to take all the medications, suffer the emotional stress and all. I am happy for her but I am also mourning for myself. It seems like all people around me are getting pregnant but me.

God has been very generous to me already and I would understand if my time won’t come. He knows what my heart desires. My husband is right, God will never let us carry a cross too heavy for us to endure. He is so good that He made me strong to carry on. God made me tough. He still gives me a reason to be happy. He gave me my husband who’s so loving and caring.

I cannot imagine a happy life without my husband because he is the only happiness I’ve ever known. And if God will not bestow us the gift of being parents, I know that He will always make a way to let us find our happiness together.